


hair is everything

by writevale



Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Abby Palmer is a good mother pass it on, Aubergine the dog, Carlos is a Good husband, Cecil is a Good Husband, Family Fluff, Hair Dyeing, M/M, Minor spoilers for Ep 147, Two husbands being excellent uncles, references to body insecurities
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-20
Updated: 2019-08-20
Packaged: 2020-09-19 09:37:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,201
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20329027
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writevale/pseuds/writevale
Summary: Cecil dyes his hair. Janice wants to dye hers. Nobody, I repeat,nobodytouches Carlos' perfect hair.





	hair is everything

_Hair is everything, we wish it wasn’t so we could actually think about something else occasionally. But it is. - Phoebe Waller-Bridge, Fleabag _

'Tilt your head to the left.' Carlos said. He tutted. 'No, babe, my left.'

'Babe, our lefts are the same.' Cecil tried to tilt his head the other way and met firm, gloved hands. 'Ow! It doesn't go that far!'

'I need to get this bit behind your ear - hold still!' Carlos nudged the blunt plastic tip of the applicator bottle into the patch of darker hair behind Cecil's delicate ear. There was a cheerful knock at the door and Aubergine let out a high-pitched bark from his bed by the radiator.

'Is that the time already?' Cecil asked from his twisted position on the edge of the bath. Carlos washed his gloves in the sink before peeling them off and checking his watch. It wasn't particularly helpful in confirming whether, indeed, it was the time already.

'Stay.' Carlos said firmly.

'Is that to me or the dog?'

'Both!'

Janice's smile was huge and toothy as she wheeled herself into the bathroom. Aubergine's purple tail beat a furious _thump thump thump_ against the plush of his bed until Janice gestured for him to jump up onto her lap. She giggled as he licked her cheek and the two uncles shared a fond look at the giddy pair.

'Uncle Cecil, I had no idea you dyed your hair!' She said, scandalised.

'Um,' The radio host played with the edge of the towel wrapped around his shoulders and ignored the twitch in his husband’s lips. 'That's kind of the point.'

'Cecil is solely responsible for the continued sale of boxed blonde hair-dye in Night Vale.' Carlos smirked as he snapped his gloves back on and moved Cecil's head back into position, a little more delicately now that they had an audience. Cecil rolled his eyes and Janice giggled again.

'Why don't you dye your hair, Uncle Carlos?' Cecil, with his back to his niece, completely missed the look of pure mischief that passed between the other occupants of the room. 'You're kinda grey.' His head whipped round suddenly, splattering Carlos' Household Chemicals lab coat with flecks of violet foam, shortly followed by the rest of his body, thighs squeaking on the bath tub.

'Carlos' hair is perfect!'

'You know,' Carlos shook out his curls, careful not to touch them with the dye on his gloves, 'I have been thinking about what I would look like with orange hair.'

'Carlos! Babe, no!' Cecil looked horrified, mouth slack with shock and brow furrowed in disgust.

Janice's give-away giggle was lost under a thoughtful: 'I could dye my beard…'

'NOO. No, nope, no.' Cecil held out a long, imperious finger and Auby barked in agreement. The creases at the corners of Carlos' eyes deepened as he and Janice burst into laughter. He ducked to press a kiss to the towel-wrapped line of Cecil's shoulder.

'We're joking, querido.'

'Hm.' Cecil neatly lifted his long legs back over the side of the tub. 'Your hair is not a joke.'

'Okay.' Carlos stepped back to admire his handiwork, 'Let it develop.'

'Thanks, babe.' Cecil stretched out a disturbingly loud crick in his back and swivelled back round. There was the sound of gloves being pulled off and the patter of paws as a dog and a scientist came to sit by their favourite radio host. 'How's school, Janice?'

'UGH.'

'Ooh, that bad?'

Janice rolled her eyes. It was a particular skill the Palmer family had absolutely mastered. 'I _hate _school.' She insisted. Carlos reached down to tickle Auby behind the ears. He knew was what coming next.

'Hit us with it.' Cecil said. Janice drew in a long breath.

'Okay. So. Leigh-Ann and Liam started dating because Liam asked her out but Leigh-Ann actually fancies Robert but we all know that he likes Charlie but he was possessed last week and hasn't been able to message on the group chat since sooo yeah. So in Modified Sumarian - you know, no-one pays attention in Language class, right?'

'Right.' The uncles agreed vehemently.

'Well I was meant to sit next to Liam but he was like, let Leigh-Ann sit there and I was like _dude _I need my roll space, I have to sit here and he apologised and everything but then Liam managed to swap with Charlie and actually, I felt really bad because the new, possessed Charlie is actually really sweet and none of the rest of them would really give him a chance. You know, just because things change, it isn't necessarily a bad thing. But then _I _got told off for talking when I was literally just trying to fill Charlie in on the whole Leigh-Ann and Liam situation and it was so unfair and I literally _hate _school.'

Carlos blinked.

Cecil drew in a breath. 'Well. I think that's ridiculous. Leigh-Ann needs to own up to her real feelings about Robert to Liam before they all get hurt and Robert and the rest of your group need to give possessed-Charlie a chance - I'm really proud of you, by the way, for doing that - because it is really, _very _easy to get possessed here in town. Especially as a young adult!' Cecil looked at his husband, wild-eyed, for back-up.

'Yeah. So many possessions recently.' A warm hand fell on his knee. 'I swear High School wasn't that complicated when I was there.' The hand squeezed gently.

'Babe, you had one friend and spent your lunchtimes in the science classrooms to avoid bullies.'

'Oh, yeah.'

'You know what would be reaally cool?' Carlos looked up from massaging the dye into his husband's scalp to see Janice running a strand of her own mousy brown hair through her fingers. 'If you dyed _my_ hair.' Cecil twisted to look up at him, panicked.

'Oooh, no.' Carlos shook his head, 'Your mom would kill us.'

'But it would look so good! Just a little bit, like, you know when you see people with a streak of white in their hair?'

'Poliosis circumscripta.' Carlos said, unable to help himself.

'Sure! Pleeaaaase.'

'Ask your mom.' Cecil said. He cast a stern look over his shoulder at his niece but she was already absorbed in her phone, fingers flying across the keys.

'There you go, honey,' Carlos stepped back, 'Just give it another ten minutes, okay?'

There was an electronic _ding! _'Steve says yes!' The two men actually laughed. 'What?!'

'Steve saying yes is not the same as your mom saying yes.' Carlos explained.

'And you know it.'

Janice frowned, 'Mom won't reply. She's at work.'

'She will if she thinks I'm about to dye your hair.' Cecil muttered darkly.

Seconds later, Janice's phone let out a shrill bird call and she fumbled in her haste to answer it. Cecil quirked an eyebrow at his scientist, who smiled back as if to say _Oh, Abby_.

'Yeah, I know! I didn't know! Yeah, Uncle Carlos is doing Cecil's right now. Pleaaassseeee. It'll look really cool! No, school say no unnatural colours and unnatural colours are considered to be razzmatazz, caput mortuum, gamboge and dread.' There was a long pause as Janice listened to the voice on the other side of the phone. 'One blonde streak.' She looked up at her uncles and grinned, a sure sign that she was about to get her way. And then, the sucker punch. 'Steve said that it sounds great.' More listening. Janice pressed a button on her phone and another voice filled the bathroom.

'Cecil.'

'Hi, Abby.'

'Do _not _touch my daughter's hair.' She threatened.

'I've touched my niece's hair before.' Cecil stated, something gritty and antagonistic in his tone. Carlos laid a hand on his shoulder.

'Carlos.'

'Hi, Abby!'

'Don’t let Cecil ruin Janice's hair.' She pleaded. Carlos smiled despite the daggers shot his way from one disgruntled Cecil Palmer.

'I'm going to do the actual dye application, Abby. I'm a scientist and I'm very used to working with chemicals - even household ones!'

'Um, _when _was the last time you cleaned-?'

'Anyway,' He continued brightly, 'Janice is really keen and, you know, the great thing about hair is that - even when your loved ones hate it - it always grows back to how it was before!' That shut Cecil up. Janice smirked.

'If you make a mess of her hair I will personally disembowel you both.' Abby said. And then, 'Is Auby there?'

'Yeah, mom.' Cecil shot his niece a look that clearly translated to _oh my God, can you believe this bitch?_

'Hi, Aubergine! Hi, little baby. Hello, my little puppy dog! Is he wagging his tail?' The three of them looked at the prone dog, who had fallen asleep a while ago. Janice decided to demonstrate that Good and Kind are not always the same thing.

'Yeah, mom, he's wagging it like crazy!'

'Awwww.' There was a sound on the other end of the phone line, a low creaking and a hiss, 'Ooh, I have to go, honey! I'll see you tonight. Cecil?'

'Whaat?'

'Don't touch my daughter's hair!'

Carlos let Cecil distract himself with rinsing the dye out of his hair while he started to work on Janice. The rinsing was the worst part. If you didn't do it quickly, the dye would start making observant and unwarranted comments about your appearance as you washed it into the drain. Cecil had been asking him for months whether his nose actually was a millimetre too far over to the left after one memorable occasion with a particularly cutting dye.

Carlos ran the silky segment of hair that Janice had picked out through gloved fingers.

'Maybe you should tie the rest back?' He suggested and procured an elastic band from his pocket. Janice took it somewhat gingerly.

'You know, elastic bands are really bad for your hair.'

'Only if you tell your mom about them.' He cautioned. Cecil snorted from his kneeled position on the floor, head under the shower stream and hand frantically scrubbing the dye from his hair. 'Are you sure you want to do this?'

'I'm so sure.'

'And you're not going to freak out if you don't like it.' Carlos was still scarred from that one time he took Janice shopping.

'I know I'm gonna like it.'

'Oh, shut up.' Cecil muttered and then cleared his throat, cheeks pink. 'Not you, Janice! The dye's a bit . . . Rude.'

'We'll wash yours out quickly, don't worry.' Carlos said.

'Will you tell me about how it works as it develops?' Janice asked, eyes hopeful.

'Will I!'

Janice screamed when Carlos uncovered the bathroom mirror to reveal her new hair. Cecil had ignored his sister's threats and had blow-dried it so it fell in gentle waves, the bold streak of blonde at the front framing her teenaged face. He'd then insisted that he needed to take Auby out for a wee to avoid being in proximity to his own reflection.

'Oh my God,' Something cold and heavy fell into the pit of Carlos' stomach. He was a disembowelled man. 'You hate it.'

'I _love _it!' Janice screeched. 'Aaaaah, I need to show this to Leigh-Ann! And Liam! And Charlie! And Steve! And my Wheelchair Scorpion Racing Team!'

'Thank God for that.' Carlos murmured. 'I'm just gonna go check on Cecil.' Janice was already snapping away on her phone and Carlos doubted she heard. He found his husband by the door to the garden, golden sunlight catching in his freshly white-blond hair. He reached up to run a hand through it, short strands soft between his fingertips. Lovely.

'Do I look handsome enough for you now?' Cecil preened and the warm light fell on his cheekbones. It was only fair that Carlos kiss them.

'You always look handsome to me.' He pressed his lips to the tip of Cecil's nose. Adorable, albeit, one millimetre to the left of the centre of his face.

'I heard Janice scream.' He ducked to prise the ball out of Auby's little jaws and threw it to the end of the garden. Auby woofed happily and was gone, a streak of purple against the flagstones.

'She loves it.'

'Oh, thank God.' Cecil sagged in relief and then straightened again. 'So.' He said. Carlos snuck an arm around his waist, holding it there and rubbing a gentle circle into his side with his thumb.

'What did it say?' Carlos had his suspicions that the dye only whispered your own misconceptions and insecurities about your physical attractiveness back at you but now probably wasn't the time to share that theory.

'Have you ever thought that my-' Cecil paused, 'You know - is a bit-?'

Janice chose that moment to roll into the room. Auby chose that moment to bound through the door. They met in the middle, a squeak of wheels and a clatter of sandy paws.

'Oh my God, Uncle Carlos thank you so much, it looks so cooool!' Janice said.

'Woof!' Auby said.

_We'll talk about this later_, Carlos said, using his eyes. 'Coffee?' He said, using his mouth and giving Cecil's side a little squeeze. Cecil inhaled-

'Can I have a coffee, Uncle Carlos, _please_!'

'WOOF!'

'That might be necessary, thank you.'

**Author's Note:**

> Opening quote from the TV show Fleabag. I _highly_ recommend watching it if you haven't already! 
> 
> I'm convinced that Cecil Palmer is not a natural blond. Convinced.


End file.
